What: Tornado Alley Hash #1162
When: Friday, December 21st – 6:00 pm
Hare: Born On Your Anus
Location: Under Kellogg (Highway 54), next to Gander Mountain
Hash Cash: $7
Shiggy Level: 1
Beer Bitch: Just Lays There
Hares: Puff, NBA, PPL, BP, Stumpy Whisker Biscuit, nnSierra, Beeeeestie, Gooch, Cuddle Puncher, Weiner, Tequila Tony, nnJulius, nnGlenda, nnHannah, PQuad, nnMaria, nnSam, nnSeth, nnJon, Coyote Cockwise, nnBen
This was the hash to end all hashes, and the wankers were ready to either meet their doom or to go out fighting. But, evidently, the Mayans made a mistake in their calculations, so all our earnest preparations to join Jim Jones, David Koresh, and the other loonies were in vain. At least we were able to partake of the Kool-Aid without dire consequences (well, there were consequences to drinking the Kool-Aid, but they weren't so dire, just drunken behavior).
Daddy Dip and LSD were at the start to give their blessings and to send the kids on their way, and then the grown-ups had grown-up things to do and abandoned us to whatever fate the hare was going to lead us to.
We met under the Kellogg overpass by Gander Mountain (convenient for us in case we needed to load up on extra ammo and AK-47s), and trail took us west to the river. When Tequila Tony realized we were not crossing it, he wiped away his tears, cursed BOYA for turning down a perfectly good shiggy opportunity, and followed trail with the rest of us across the Maple/Waterman bridge over to the Delano area. We found the first beer near in the alley behind the Vagabond (miraculously, it was revealed, because the hare grossly mis-communicated the planned location to the Beer Bitch - fortunately our Beer Bitch is intelligent as well as beautiful and was able to figure things out).
Trail then took us back to the east by Century II, on to the Arena, and then we located the second beer near in Bum Park (aka Naftziger Park). Unbeknownst to us at the time, we were being spied upon by the hare who was up on the railroad bank by the depot. A little creepy, no? We followed trail then through Old Town and located the 3rd beer near (thank you, kind Beer Bitch) in the parking lot by the Marriott. At this point the wankers seemed to think it appropriate to try to weed out the population by using the limbo stick thoughtfully provided by BP who seemed to think she was going to end up in Limbo. This ploy did not work, since the limbo requirement did not incapacitate anyone. It was then on-on to the south where we eventually found trail that led to the on-in up on the elevated train depot.
So at this point it seems appropriate to point out the attire of the majority of the wankers, since there were prizes awarded for the ability to humiliate ourselves in public. Gooch, in this writer's opinion, won hands-down (hands-down whose pants, you might ask, but I digress). He had originally planned on being a zombie Mrs. Claus, but his makeup artist was not available, so he showed up as a hot, hot, blond vixen with gorgeous legs. He now has an idea of the price we women pay for beauty. We had the Apocalypse Fairy who was probably responsible for holding off the doom. We had Death, the Devil, Jesus, two camouflaged doomsday preppers, a placard-bearing fanatic directing us to France, a beastly woman with crazy socks, a sexy siren who was expecting to end up in Limbo and not in hell along with the rest of us, a music nut with a tshirt bearing the logo of an obscure band that had something vaguely connected to something doom-related or something like that.....
The prize of $3 Hash Cash went to Wiener, as she was the only only willing to pull her boobs out in the frigid temperatures. The prize of tequila, appropriately went to Tequila Tony who was deemed "most offensive" in his Jesus costume. And the grand prize of a limited edition printing of a t shirt commemorating the event was awarded to NBA, who was dressed like a soldier, ready to go out fighting whatever evil may be brought on by the apocalypse.
So circle ensued with the delightful accompaniment of train rumblings, train horns, and annoying train alarms. The only dead bug was awarded to Coyote who showed up half-way through the trail and was recognized for being a 6-month backslider. The hare/GM/webmeister decided that he didn't have enough jobs so he added substitute RA to his resume. He did a half-assed job of controlling circle but no one seemed to notice or care. Beer was consumed, songs were sung, accomplishments were celebrated, and there was much rejoicing. On-after was at River City Brewery, where a select group gathered and continued to make fools of themselves on the dance floor, while listening to a shitty 90's cover band.
12/23/2012 12:35:28 am
Well written NBA. BUT, I take issue with your charge that REM is an "obscure band".
12/23/2012 03:40:18 am
Blah, blah, blah.....
12/23/2012 01:18:15 pm
I can't believe my hash mom doesn't know REM! My biological mom listened to them when I was a kid! 😉
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