What: Tornado Alley Hash #1156
Where: Joe's Old Town Bar and Grill
When: Wednesday, November 28th, 6:00 PM
Hare: Born on Your Anus
Hash Cash: $3
Shiggy Rating: 1
BN's: At least one
Hounds: Phi Phi Licker, Dipshit, Dipstick, Amanta, Puff, Boathouse Pussy, Cuddle Puncher, ADHD
One of the problems with Tornado Alley is that there are really only two literate hashers. The one who typically writes up the trash chose to forsake the rest of us by taking in a night of pretentiousness and culture while the other one was the hare. So any anecdotes written about antics on trail are second-hand and most likely half-truths at best.
Trail started from Joe’s Oldtown Bar and Grill and headed west. There was immediately a pretty gnarly YBF that ADHD kindly scouted out for everyone else. The pack headed through Old Town and across Douglas through Naftzger (Bum) Park and past the Arena. From there, trail turned west again and took the hounds through the Waterwalk and finally to the Boathouse where there were 11 cold PBRs waiting for them. The hare wound up drinking later for not acknowledging the significance of the Boathouse, considering Boathouse Pussy herself was on trail. No one said that she got some under the yacht again, but then again, no one said she didn't (what happens on trail stays on trail).
After the BN, ADHD once again volunteered to scout out a wicked YBF before catching up with the rest of the pack who ran north along the river and then up to Century II, where NBA, our “GM for life”, was inside at the Mary Jane Teal Theater. She was undoubtedly adorned with her finest fur coat, bejeweled from head to toe with the most precious gems in all the land, and sipping Cristal with the rest of high society whilst they mocked the laborious plight of the proletariat. I’m actually pretty sure the Monopoly guy was there too; monocle, top hat, and all.
After following all of the hare’s "NBAN"s that he left at each of the potential doors (and was subsequently questioned by Century II Security) she would be exiting through in route to her limousine, the pack headed east through a few alleys, back through Old Town and ultimately back to Joe’s, where there was a “Beaver Check”. In a move that really surprised no one, Dipshit, who must have a healthy fear/hatred of vaginas, kicked dirt over it in a frantic attempt to shield himself from what he surely refers to as “disgusting lady parts”.
A circle, of course, ensued in the bar, where we’re quite certain our songs ran off a little old couple who were next to our table, sipping Cokes and watching the Shocker game. Because of Dipshit’s peculiar decision to hide the Beaver Check, Amanta was eager to show us her moon and beaver, which she did, multiple times!
It was probably the best “Full Beaver Moon” hash in the history of Tornado Alley. You are an asshole if you missed it.
What: Tornado Alley Hash #1155
When: Wednesday, November 21st at 6:00!
Hare: Stumpy Whisker Biscuit and Boathouse Pussy
Hash Cash: $3
Hounds: PPL, NBA, BOYA, ASS, Puff, Pisser, nnCharlie, Beeeestie, and Dipshit showed up at the on-in having gotten his lazy ass up out of his Lazy Boy, Odor Eater also joined us at the on-in
The hare was supposed to be Dipshit, but as he likes to do, he bailed at the very last minute and sent out an all-call to find a replacement because he was too damn lazy to hare. BP and Biscuit valiantly stepped up and volunteered to take his place. We gathered at Lucky's, and the hares took off south, winding around a jillion alleys until we got to the Eagle. The hounds thought they found lost property, but hateful Eagle employees yelled at them to leave it alone. The hounds continued on, with tears in their eyes at having been yelled at.
Trail then took us to the first beer near at Emerson Biggins. Only four of us stopped in for a beer; the rest of the hounds were too stuck up, or too racist to stop there. These party-poopers were soon disappointed because trail pretty much led them to the on-in at the Pump House, with a few minor kinks placed in the trail so I couldn't accuse the hares of laying a straight line trail. At the Pumphouse, we thought we had been transported to the Land of the Dorky Plaid Shirts, when we encountered about 30 dorky-plaid-shirt-clad folks at the bar. They soon streamed out looking for their spaceship, in "Children of the Damned" fashion.
Odor Eater was there as his alter-ego, DJ Gumby, and he joined us every now and then at the circle. BOYA stepped in as RA, and did a pretty half-assed job. Lots of PBR was consumed, and there was much rejoicing. Even though no one had the excuse of having to work the next day, the hash ended fairly early. Hashers need their beauty sleep, after all.
What: Tornado Alley Hash #1154 DRINKSGIVING!
Where: Chisolm Creek Park - Great Plains Nature Center Parkin Lot
When: Sunday, November 18th, 1:00 PM
Hare: Born On Your Anus
Hash Cash: $5
Hounds: Dip, NBA, Amanta, PPL, nnSam, Cuddle Puncher, nnKat, nnDane, nnMatt, Stumpy Whisker Biscuit, nnSierra, Trashy, nnJill, nnCody, nnKevin, Tequila Tony, PQuad, Pussy Magnet
Hash Trash hates to admit this, but the Third Anal Drinksgiving trail did not totally suck, that is, if you like straight lines. It actually could have been re-named the No-Name Hash, since there were almost more no-names than named hashers. Even though it was extensively advertised as being a costume hash, very freaking few of the wankers actually took the effort to dress accordingly. Sheesh. Best costume prize went to Stumpy who was dressed as a pus-filled, oozing, dripping Indian with smallpox. Nice.
The hare left us six eensy wild-turkey nears, which were consumed by the thirsty front-runners by the time the sluggish DFLs got to them. Cum to think of it, this probably explains the extreme drunkenness of the FRBs and the sobriety of the DFLs at the circle.
Starting from the Chisholm Creek Park Nature Center, trail tamely meandered west. We veered into the Dark Forest of Perverts, where we encountered the first water crossing. This one turned out to be a bit problematic for most of the hounds. PQuad sacrificed herself and demonstrated how not to cross the creek, by falling into it. Cuddle Puncher then decided to capture video of any potential dunkings during the subsequent crossings. He was deeply disappointed, especially by NBA, who was being irritatingly slow and careful. He had been eagerly hoping for a viral YouTube video.
As we exited the Pervert Forest, we were heartened to hear that world peace is alive and well in the backseats of the parked cars. There's hope for Israel and Palestine if two random men who don't know each other can experience true love in the backseat of a Ford.
The beer near was discovered in a culvert near Oliver. After sharing the pitifully small number of beers that were left for us, we continued west across Oliver into the woods belonging to The Center for Health Through the Consumption of Roots and Herbs and the Holistic Use of Crystals. Some real wild turkeys were discovered there by Dip, but they disappeared before he could attempt to drink them.
Trail led across Hillside to the old Grove Park (it now has a new, more politically conscious name but I don't know it). First we had to climb down and then up some rattlesnake-infested rocks, as well as cross another slimy water crossing. But we were rewarded with the on-in and circle, which were found and conducted in waist-high shiggy, next to the Fiscal Cliff of Doom. Accusations were plentiful, and the RA insisted on a record number of dead bugs, many of which were inflicted on some of the virgins. This was highly unusual because, as Tequila Tony pointed out, we usually want the virgins to cum back. However, cum to think of it, they were the front-runners and probably won't remember the circle due to the copious amounts of alcohol consumed.
What: Tornado Alley Hash #1153
Where: Merle's Place
When: Wednesday, November 14th - 6:00 pm
Hash Cash: $3
Hounds: BOY Anus, Dip, NBA, Puff, Amanta, nnKat
Okay, kids, here's a riddle for you. What's 3 miles long, rectangular, and has beer on a railroad track? That's right. ADHD's shitty trail on Wednesday night. Starting from Merle's, trail proceeded west along the river, and then turned south, and then turned back east, and then eventually went north to the on-in. Yup, a lovely rectangle. However, it was a tremendous improvement over his previous trail, which, if you remember, was 10 miles long and was laid during the infamous Worldwide Chalk Shortage of 2012. This week's trail was extremely well-marked, with plenty of flour and chalk, so the young grasshopper is making progress.
An interesting bit of information: our newly-named Cuddle Puncher performed a hash miracle this evening. He made a virgin come without even being there himself, and without either cuddling or punching! That is impressive talent.
A short circle ensued with the usual Dip Bogus Anniversary Celebrations and lame accusations. Next hash will be our Third Annual Drinksgiving Hash this Sunday, location to be determined by the hare and told to us at the last minute, as is our tradition. Cum dressed as a Pilgrim, Indian, turkey, smallpox, dead deer, maize, Wild Turkey, whatever. On on.
What: Tornado Alley Hash #1152
Where: Days Inn on Iowa St. In Lawrence
When: Saturday, November 10 - 11:30 PM
Hare: Tequila Tony, Gooch
Hash Cash: N/A
Hounds: BOYA, BB4B, JLT, BP, Biscuit, about 15 - 20 other hashers from various Kansas kennels.
Hmm, I’ve been charged with typing trash for #1152, better known as the “Lawrence Midnight Naked Hash”. Unfortunately, this happened after a long day/evening of drinking and hashing, so, my recollection of events is not very sharp. I can say for sure that it was a true Tequila Tony trail with a shiggy-meter off of the charts. It also happened to be Gooch’s first go at laying trail, as Tequila took him under his wing and brought him along as a co-hare. Tequila Tony decided in chalk talk that it was going to be clothing-optional hash, so both hares stripped their clothes off, turned around, and ran off into the woods.
Now, I’m not typically one to follow naked dudes into the woods late at night, but I figured there was safety in numbers and decided to give it a shot. Trail started behind the Tornado Alley Hotel Compound, leading hashers up and down hills, steep drop-offs, briars, thorns, landmines, etc… That’s about all I remember about the actual trail. Oh, that and BP doing a fucking header off the top of a steep hill, somersaulting down past all the hashers who were carefully descending, and landing motionless on the ground below. Luckily, she got up, although I only deduced this when I saw her this morning, as my memory seems to have some kind of block in it after the initial fall.
There was a circle and stuff, and I’m sure there was much rejoicing.
Click here What: Tornado Alley Hash #1151
Where: Emerson Biggins - Old Town - 6:00
When: Wednesday, November 7th
Hash Cash: $3
'The Hash of Too Many Accusations' or 'The Alleys of Doom Hash'
Hounds: Amanta, Gooch, ADHD, Cuddle Puncher, BP, NBA, Tequila Tony, BOYA, and then Puff showed up at the on-in having r*n most of the trail by himself.
Well, boys and girls, it was yet another sh*tty trail Wednesday night in Ta-Town. Dip took the wankers from Emerson Biggins in Old Town east and then south across Kellogg. He claimed there were 'mooning' marks on the pedestrian bridge, but because there was no chalk talk, the hounds had no idea what to do when we saw or didn't see the strange marks. Trail then took us back east through several dark and seedy alleys, finally leading us to the beer near, which was stashed in some bushes by the walking path next to the Big Ditch. This trail was especially memorable, mainly for the aroma of first the stockyard, then sewer gas, and finally the fragrant aroma of cat litter. Dip sure knows how to set a multi-sensory trail. In addition to the sights and smells, we also had the sounds of vicious barking dogs which were ready to tear us limb from limb as we trespassed past their homes in the alleys. We finally made it back to the safety of Old Town, where the hare rebelliously threw several plops of "anthrax" right outside the police substation.
At the on-in, circle commenced, with endless accusations flung about, and most of them from the hare/RA and most of those bogus and unfounded. Next hash will be this Saturday in Larryville, and next week's mid-week hash will be hared by ADHD. On on!
What: Tornado Alley Hash #1150
Where: Harlem Neighborhood: 37 W 127th St, New York, NY
When: Friday, November 2nd, 10:00 am.
Hare: BOY Anus
Hash Cash: None
Shiggy Rating: 1
Distance: 2 miles
Hounds: JLT, TLC, KFC, THE, nnJill
Hashing in Wichita is fun. But let’s be honest, it’s getting hard to figure out new trails. In light of this, a few of us decided to try hashing in a new neighborhood… Harlem, NY to be specific.
Trail started on 127th St and headed west from there. At the intersection of Malcolm X Blvd. and Martin Luther King Jr. Ave, trail turned south for a block before heading a little further west, passed the Apollo Theatre. The pack then headed back to the east, where they found a BN at the world famous Lennox Lounge. Apparently, as Trashy figured out, calling all the white girls in front of you “racists” on the busy streets of Harlem is not a great idea.
Trail ended back at the 127th St. condo, where the circle was held in the modest little bath yard. The Hare/GM assumed the role of RA as well, calling hashers into the circle for typical reasons. Although we lacked a mathematician, Trashy is an accountant and was able to count to three on two separate occasions, as JLT and TLC both earned themselves dead bugs.
It was one of the more interesting hashes we’ve been on. There was a lot of beer and much rejoicing was had by all.