What? Tornado Alley Hash #1140 Where? Larry Bud's (New west side location across from SCP) When? Tuesday, September 25, 6:30 Hare? Born on Your Anus Hash Cash? $3 Approximate Distance? 3ish Shiggy Rating? 2.0-ish Hounds: Dip, BP, ADHD, NBA, Tequila Tony, nnAaron, ASS Starting from Larry Bud's parking lot on west 21st across from Sedgwick County Park, the hare laid trail over to the park. He started off with a bang, placing an intersection just 50 feet from where the trail doubled back. The real hashers found true trail that looped around the duck park, while the lame-ass short-cutters located the double-backed trail that was laid waaaay too close to the check, thus saving themselves the extra mile of true trail. After the beer near, which was located extremely close to the start, the trail split into a Turkey/Eagle which turned out to be a Tough/Easy instead. The T trail was shorter but took the wankers across mid-calf deep water, while the E trail was longer but left those hashers with dry feet. Trail then wound tamely down walking paths, until the hare decided we hadn't had enough poison ivy on trail since the campout. True trail veered into harmless looking shiggy which turned out to be full of very healthy poison ivy, and then ultimately across a dry-ish creek bed and then up the other bank through even more poison ivy. The hashers who shortcutted at the beginning of the trail chose to take the long-cut and added an extra mile to their trail just because of a few three-leafed plants. Trail then led up over Mount Doodah and then straight down to the on-in which was on the peninsula of the fishing lake. We circled up in the increasing dark, started the naming process for nnAaron, drank for numerous transgressions (like advertising this to be a 1.5 shiggy level trail when it should have been much higher due to the venomous, carnivorous, flesh-eating poison ivy), and then gathered at Larry Bud's for the on-after. Highlight of the on-after was that Team Tornado Alley competed in the Trivia Contest, and came in second place even though they competed with the handicap of cumming in late in the game. The prize was $20 which will force the pack to return to drink even more beer. On on.
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What? Tornado Alley Hash #1139 Where? The Anchor Bar and Grill When? Wednesday, September 19, 6:30 Hare? ADHD Hash Cash? $3 Approximate Distance? 3ish Shiggy Rating? 1.5ish Avast Me Hearties! Dust of ye old hornpipes and slap your fanciest pirate pants on your dungbies, or ye may just find yourself in the hempen halter! Wednesday is "Talk Like a Pirate Day", and we will be consuming copious amounts of grog before, during, and after the trail. That bilge rat known as ADHD will be our hare, and you can bet your booty that he'll be moppin' the poop deck or walking the plank if he fucks anything up! Hares: ADHD, nnGunner Hounds: Dip, BP, PPL, NBA, Bloody Dyke Turner (best costume award), nnAaron, nnKerri, nnZach, Puff, Amanta, BOY Anus Arrgh, mateys! There was much raping, pillaging and plundering Wednesday night in the port town of Wichita, but it was all committed by the hare against the hounds. Trail? What trail? There must be a worldwide shortage of chalk because the hare used very little. Starting from the Anchor (not really very H3-friendly these days, btw), trail took us across Kellogg via the pedestrian bridge, then over the railroad tracks where we found the first BN. On to the Commerce Street parking lot under Kellogg where we searched for a LONG time for the eensy weensy arrows in the growing dark. It was on on to the bridge by the Boathouse (here, kitty, kitty), where we lost PPL and nnKerri, who headed back to the start. Across the bridge to another split in the shadow of a light pole. BOYA decided he needed to get home by this time, so he also took off for the start. The hounds scoured the area and were just about to all give up, when Amanta located the teensy arrow in the ballpark parking lot, in the dismal dark. Yes, we should have had headlamps, but it's more fun to blame it on the hare. At this point, PPL called (yes, technology) and let us know that the on-in was at the Garage, so the hounds bee-lined for it. The hare was waiting for the hounds, and since it was past almost everyone's bedtime, we all piled into ADHD's pick-up and drove back to the Anchor for the on-in beverages and food. BOYA performed a shortened but loud circle, with our neighboring diners getting up and moving away from us. Cause and effect? Gosh, haven't a clue. (Flashback to comment about non-H3-friendly establishment.) Reminder of Amanta's wedding reception on Saturday, 3-6 pm at Jerry's Bar and Grill, and GOYFAT next Tuesday (I think) from Ben & Jerry's (Tom & Jerry's? Bob & Tom's? well, the old Player's on W. 21st across from Sedgwick County Park. On on! So many hashes, so many stories, so little time. So in as few words as possible, the Hash Trash will attempt to describe the highlights of the weekend's hash campout. Hashers started gathering at the cabins Friday afternoon and took no time in trying out the variety of crappy and plentiful hash beer that was available. We occupied the Buffalo Bill cabin and the Wyatt Earp cabin, with the sensible, mature hashers hanging out in the Buffalo Bill, and the "cool" hashers in the Wyatt Earp. There were rumors of hashers climbing on roofs, and staying up til 3ish in the morning, but only the cool kids could report on that. Saturday morning started off hideously early, with Dip zipping about making coffee and organizing and acting chipper. The rest of us dragged ourselves into the cars to get to the Trail R*n on time. A couple of the wankers were still drunk from the night before, surprisingly. The event started off innocently enough, with no hint of what was awaiting one hapless harriette. (Insert the music of doom...dumdumdumdumdum......) Wait, wait, I'm getting ahead of myself (who said head? I'll take some of that....). I think we need several versions of the morning's events, and you can take your pick of which one is most feasible. Story 1. So there we were......r*unning the trail, leading the pack, making spectacular, record-breaking time, when NBA, who was out in front, noticed Dip and YourAnus attempting to pass her up. The RA and the GM, it seems, were so jealous of the fleet-footed NBA that they conspired to trip her up and send her hurtling over the side of the canyon. They were, after all, jealous of the record she had set for leading the pack as GM for sooooo many years, and had evil thoughts about doing her in. So the current GM and RA conspired to "accidentally" send NBA over the edge of the cliff. She suffered unspeakable trauma, but courageously climbed back up the steep side of the canyon, and carried on, heroically finishing the r*n, and limping across the finish line in second place. Story 2. So there we were.....getting ready for the big r*ce, and NBA was tidying up the cabin, making a full ranch-hand style breakfast for the other r*nners, making sure that everyone was well-fed and ready to do their best on the trail r*n, as she always does, when the GM and the RA decided she wasn't cleaning the kitchen to their specifications. After all, they're the men and they know best. She deserved getting smacked about for not doing her job fast enough. We've got to keep the little women in line, after all, to maintain the universe as it was intended. Story 3. So there we were....on trail, in our designated spots in the pack. NBA had on her DFL t-shirt, but was determined not to make that a reality. She had the goal of finishing the r*n ahead of her 76-year-old nemesis as well as the 66-year-old man with COPD. NBA had the early warning system of the man's labored breathing to signal to her to pick up the pace. On a flat straight-away, she heard the heavy breather getting closer so she picked up the pace and was flying down the trail, when a malicious rock jumped out and grabbed her toe, causing her to fall on her face with amazing force. After losing a copious amount of blood, but feeling no broken bones, she somehow got back up, and shortcutted back to the start, but not before the breather passed her by. The rest of the pack climbed up the big rocks after the trail r*n end, but did not circle until Dip and NBA got back from the hospital. Back at the cabins, the pack was carrying on with their jobs of getting drunk and being obnoxious. We circled up and there were many honor down-downs as well as punishment down-downs. As soon as that circle ended, YourAnus and Tequila Tony set out laying a new trail, which will be known as the Sadist's Trail. It took the pack through stickers, and brambles, ticks, poison ivy, poison oak, and I'm sure poison sumac. The only thing it lacked was rattlesnakes. But, the good news was that there were no water crossings. Tequila Tony must have been feeling ill. Plenty of blood was lost, but I think we made it back with all hashers accounted for. Dinner catered by Dip was outstanding, and there was much rejoicing. The evening's merriment was brought to us by the costumes by Dip, and dancing efforts of a handful of the hashers. The rest of the wankers sat around in their nighties, drinking their beverages, and trying to look inconspicuous. It was a fairly early evening for most of us, except for the professional drinkers, who kept on consuming and acting the fools. We woke up to Dip's magnificent breakfast, and the hangover hash hared by NBA, the fat lipped wench. The highlight of this trail was the remainders of nnAaron's regurgitated dinner from the night before. It was a good campout, all in all, in that there were no fatalities or broken bones, just one minor hideously disfiguring face plant. On on. What? Tornado Alley Hash #1134 Where? Joe's Bar in Old Town. When? Tuesday, September 11, 6:00 (Notice the Time Change) Hare? Dipshit Hash Cash? $3 Hounds: Born on Your Anus, Phi Phi Licker, nnJennifer, nnGunner, Austin's Dick Has Deficiencies, Tequila Tony, No Blow Angel, Boathouse Pussy, Puff the Magic Ass Grabber Lame? Dead? Short? Patriotic? So many ways to describe last night's trail. Our hare, Captain Dipshit, decided to follow Amanta's lead and dead lay the trail, which turned out to be not really all that necessary since the trail went essentially around the block. The start was at Joe's on Washington St, and the beer near was at "Pork You", or "Pork Me", or "Bite Me" or "Kill All the F*#king Pigs" or whatever the name is of the new barbecue place on St. Francis between 1st and Douglas. Trail then led south by the arena, and in no time at all, we were back at the on-in, with no one breaking a sweat, especially the hare. The hare and three of the hounds left before circle, so BP was appointed stand-in hare and was given the opportunity to drink for all of the Captain's misdeeds, which were plenty. We then discussed in detail the shortcummings of the hounds who had prematurely evacuated. We also had a virgin among us, nnJennifer, who puts up with ADHD. Upcumming events were discussed, especially this weekend's campout details. Next week's hash will be Wednesday, Sept. 19, which is "Talk Like a Pirate Day", so cum dressed in your scurvy pirate attire and be prepared to rape and pillage. On on! What? Tornado Alley Hash #1133 Where? Wendy's at Twin Lakes near 21st and Amidon When? 2:00, Saturday, September 8 Hare? Born On Your Anus Hash Cash? $7 On Her Knees from Omaha will be in town, and we will have a few key hashers out of of town, so do what you can to bet there. It'll be a unique, A-B trail with an all new circle location! Looking at a guaranteed three, if not four BN's! It's the "drunk before you get to the circle hash"! Hounds: Dipshit, Dipstick, Phi-Phi L, On Her Knees, A.S.S., NBA, nnAaron The hare promised us four beer nears and he actually delivered -- four beers nears of Milwaukee's Beast. Mmmm, can you say, "Shitty hash beer"? Although it was a small but select group, we had an out-of-towner, On Her Knees from Omaha, as well as a virgin, nn Aaron. NnAaron was one of the kilted cancer-crawlers we encountered a couple of weeks ago in Old Town, who actually took us up on our invitation to join us. Trail started from Wendy's at 21st and Amidon, and took us over a variety of unclimbable fences, the first of which the hare claimed was to be about 4 feet high. Reality proved it to be more like 8 feet. Several injuries later, the pack located the first beer near (in Anus's backyard), and there was much rejoicing. The next two beer nears were about two blocks apart each, both on the porches of absentee hashers. Trail then snaked its way north and then east over railroad tracks and around old grain elevators. There was plenty of lost property along the way, and Dip picked up a new crystal goblet set - he probably wanted to surprise LSD for her birthday. Unfortunately, the goblets were accidentally destroyed at the on-in. Where were we....oh, yes, after the 4th beer near, trail led us in close proximity to Wichita's rendering plants, with the accompanying pungent aromas to add to the ambiance of the trail along with various bovine body parts. Trail took us across a couple of Doodah's toxic waste canals (Tequila Tony, where are you?), but the only wanker with his shots up-to-date was nnAaron, our virgin, who also led the pack most of the trail (can anyone say "racist"?). The on-in was under I-135 by 17th St. N. The rest of the pack who did not want to risk dysentery took the long way over yet another fence, with more resulting hash gashes. Since we lost Dip along the way (he claims he has a life outside of hashing), NBA "volunteered" to RA (actually horned her way in, temporarily forgetting that she is no longer mismanagement). She did a half-assed job, forgetting most of the accusations that should have been called. On after was at Shoeless Joe's. All in all, a fairly okay trail considering who the hare was. On on. What? Tornado Alley Hash #1132 Where Fat Tony's When? Wednesday, September 5th Hare? Dip Hash Cash? $3 Hounds: Amanta, NBA, Tequila Tony, ADHD, nnHunter, Anus, Puff, Phi Phi The pack gathered at Fat Tony's on Douglas, and hare was away by 6:45. Trail took the hounds north a couple blocks, then west on a "Dip Parking Lot Tour of Wichita". After admiring a multitude of garages, we followed trail to the river where the hare considerately gave us a three-way split, with the short-cut option straight west across the Arkansas River. The hounds scattered with some following trail, and others short-cutting to the Douglas Bridge. Tequila Tony was the only brave sole (yes, on purpose) to wade across the river, being the only one with his shots up-to-date. Beer near was at The Garage in Delano, then trail took us south and then east back across the river, meandering back to the on-in. The highlight of the trail, though, was watching Amanta down 12 horribly hot chicken wings, after she took Fat Tony's up on their chicken wing challenge. She had to eat 12 wings with inedible hot sauce in 10 minutes, with no help, no water, no food, and then wait 5 minutes following licking her fingers to make sure it didn't come back up. Amanta not only prevailed, but KICKED BUTT! The pack was never so proud! As her reward, the wings were free, and Amanta will be rewarded a t-shirt of triumph (when they get some in stock). More importantly, Amanta was awarded the hash shit for her achievement. BOYA announced the next hash which will be Saturday, September 8th, starting at 21st and Amidon. He's promising us 4 beer nears and no sobriety at the on-in. On on. What? Tornado Alley H3 Hash #1131 Who? You, lame-ass. When? Monday, September 3rd (that's tomorrow wankers). Bloody Mary Bar and Mimosas @9:30am, hares away @10. Where? NBA's house on Erie Ave. Trail? Fucking Awesome. Hare? BOYA and possibly NBA. Hash Cash? $5 Shiggy? Potentially wet fee. Hounds? Born On Your Anus, and NBA Hounds were: Dipstick, Dipshit, Puff, Tequila Tony, Phi-Phi Licker, In My Wiener, nnE, A.D.D., Trashy Hays (Haze?) Erection, nnCody, nnGladys, nnFreddy, Pussy Magnet, and BP joined us (ahem...as usual...) for the circle and on-after, as did next door neighbor, nnPat. Trails just keep getting better and better. This one was (as BOYA might put it) fucking awesome. There were just the right number of splits, intersections and YBFs. And the scenery, once again, was Wichita Wonderful. The one down-side to the trail was that some vile, inconsiderate, probably smelly, random strange person STOLE our first beer near. Fortunately, Anus had the good sense and regard for humanity to stash a second beer near, which thankfully, no one stole. Due to Anus's busy social schedule, the hash was scheduled for 10 a.m. The early hour did not daunt our intrepid hounds. They stepped up to the plate (and the cooler) and showed up thirsty and ready to hunt rabbits. The start and end for this epic trail was NBA's abode, where the pre-lube included mimosas and bloody mary's (it was brunch-time, after all). Circle was conducted by Dipstick, who included the obligatory dead-bugs (Puff was there, after all). Although we had permission to jump on the trampoline, 105 degrees prevented the hounds from attempting it since there wasn't a blow-up pool to jump into. Hares were: Born On Your Anus, and NBA Hounds were: Dipstick, Dipshit, Puff, Tequila Tony, Phi-Phi Licker, In My Wiener, nnE, A.D.D., Trashy Hays (Haze?) Erection, nnCody, nnGladys, nnFreddy, Pussy Magnet, and BP joined us (ahem...as usual...) for the circle and on-after, as did next door neighbor, nnPat. The hash shit was pulled out of the garage and presented to Anus to re-start the tradition. In my humble opinion, all in all, Labor Day has never been celebrated quite so successfully. On on! |
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