What: Tornado Alley Hash #1169
When: Tuesday, January 29 - 6:00 PM
Location: Fat Tony's on Douglas
Hash Cash: None
Service at Fat Tony's sucked. We got drunk and watched hockey. ONON.
What: Tornado Alley Hash #1168
When: Saturday, January 26 - 6:00 PM*
Location: ASS’ House - 2825 w. 17th, Wichita
Hash Cash: $5
Hounds: BOYA, Dip, Puff, NBA, PPL, BP, Whisker Biscuit, nn Sierra, Sniff This, UFO, Cuddle Puncher, Tina, Used to Be Good, PQuad, nnCharlie, nnDozer, nnDave, nnShannon, nnRachel, Twinkle Toes, Trashy, nnCody. The lame-asses who didn't r*n trail but came for the festivities were: Amanta, Tequila Tony, and nnKat for a little bit
ASS's annual birthday party coincided with a full moon which is a great excuse for a Full Moon Hash. However, there was no full moon to be seen thanks to the cloud cover. But, I'm getting ahead of myself.
ASS supplied us with two kegs of decent beer in the garage which we managed to pretty much empty before the polite guests arrived. We prelubed while ASS hid the beer near. Once he got back, we had chalk talk and the hare took off to lay trail. Now, we know he's a mathematics professor, but, really, does he have to remind us all the time? The trail was comprised of straight lines and ended up pretty much resembling a parallelogram. Yeah, yeah, he knows geometry, but really. ASS stashed the beer near near I-235, and then his co-hare, Dip, forced us to climb the ridge and in unison, howl at the moon before he told us where trail was supposed to head off to. Knowing that many of us are half-minds, he didn't tell us how to get to the next mark, thus raising the distinct possibility that the ones who ran across 235 in the dark might end up getting hit, thus proving Darwin's theory of natural selection. No one got hit, but Biscuit was badly mauled by being tossed over the barbed wire fence on the other side of 235. Trail continued in straight lines back to the start.
Back at ASS's, we circled up in the garage while the intelligent friends of ASS's gathered in the house and listened to the band. The usual accusations were made, backsliders were acknowledged, and beer was consumed. NnSierra provided us with plenty of material for her naming. Six Bags of Shit and Cum Dumpster were already taken, so for now and ever more, she will be known as Boobs in My Mouth. It was a good hash and we're looking forward to ASS's next birthday!
What: Tornado Alley Hash #1167
When: Wednesday, January 23 - 6:00 PM
Hare: Anus/Tiny Flasher
Location: Public at the Brickyard - 129 N. Rock Island
Hash Cash: $3
Hounds: Dip, Amanta, BP, PPL, NBA, Puff, Tina, nnTim
It's all about the chalk, wanks, it's all about the chalk. The saintly NBA has provided chalk for you worthless half-minds for the past several years out of her own coffee-can stash that she keeps stuffed in the floorboards, but we all know that the evil Dr. Brownback is trying to eliminate salaries for our state's downtrodden teachers and force them into indentured servitude without pay. (Well, that's the rumor I heard.) It's now time for you irresponsible a-holes to pull out your pennies and purchase some sidewalk chalk and contribute it to the cause.
Now, what does that have to do with last night's trail, you might ask? Everything, you miserable wankers! Because last night's stellar trail, laid by Tiny Flasher, and secondarily by Anus, was wasted on you pitiful blobs of protoplasm due to the miserable quality of un-seeable chalk that the poor hares were forced to use. Now is the time for all good hashers to contribute to the chalk collection.
That being said, let's talk about that miserable trail. Starting from the Public in Old Town, which was refreshingly someplace new for us, the co-hares laid an immediate split outside the establishment on Rock Island. Trail took off to the south and then cut back west to the pigeon-shit-encrusted railroad underpass on Douglas. At least I think it did. This was the first place we lost trail. We finally found trail going across Douglas toward the Arena. At first we thought it may be a Dip-inspired parking garage trail, but with only one parking garage to run through, that wasn't the case. The hares then took us through the lobby adjacent to the swanky Cafe Bel Ami, which was torture due to the wonderful smells that were emanating from the kitchen. Here's where we lost trail the second time. Most of us r*n down the alley to the south, but no marks. That doesn't stop us hashers, though, since we lemming-like tend to follow the FRBs without stopping to realize that the last mark was 10 blocks back. We eventually found trail a couple of blocks to the south, miraculously, and followed it toward Commerce Street. Trail took us diagonally through a parking lot next to an abandoned building, where the hares "supposedly" left the beer near inside a broken window of the building. The interesting point here is that not a one of us saw the "giant" BN that was allegedly left there. This resulted in the Great Thirst of 2013.
We continued on to the Arena where trail took us up the railroad embankment and across the tracks. Once again, the hapless hounds lost trail, after scouring the entire train station locale. Finally, some wanker gave up and went down the driveway to the street where he found an arrow pointing back north. There was a T/E split (what the heck is that, you might ask, since there was no chalk talk?). Most took off on E arrow, but the smart one followed the T option. Rumor has it that the wankers on the E route lost trail one more time for good measure before ending back up at the start.
Back at the Public, beer was consumed, little food was ordered or eaten, and the circle could barely be called that, with just one song for the hares, and a symbolic Swing Low. Most wankers left early but the die-hards (you know who you are) continued on at the Rock Island next door. All in all it was a good hash and trail, but don't tell the hares I said so. On on!
What: Tornado Alley Hash #1166
When:Wednesday, January 16, 6:00 pm
Location: NBA's house - 348 N Erie
Hash Cash: $5
Hounds: GPS, NBA, Tina, PPL, BOYA, BP, nnKat, nnChief, Trashy, nnSierra, nn
Hashers began trickling into NBA’s shanty around 6:00, where we were all informed that the hare was backing out due to the fact that she had a mild cold or something lame like that. Luckily, Dip was there stand in for her and laid a pretty damn good (errr, shitty) trail on the fly.
Trail took off to the East and then a bit to the north, where it passed the Oriental “Massage Parlor” on Central. Anus and Gooch decided that they needed to go inquire about prices and such, so they disappeared inside. The lady in there assured them that $60 would get all parts of the body sensually massaged. Unfortunately, neither of the two had $60 on them so they were forced back out onto the cold, happy-endingless streets.
The pack found the BN under a bridge near the canal route, and then headed (who said head?) south to 2nd St. or something like that (I was drunk by then) where we headed back towards NBA’s. Once inside, there was pretty solid circle in which NBA was accused of holding a celebratory hash on the 94th anniversary of prohibition (Oh the HUMANITY!). After we swung low, our nns and virgins left the room and the naming of nnSam commenced.
It was a fun naming and he gave us plenty of material, which always makes it a little tougher because of all the options that it presents. But ultimately, we decided on “Tina Eat the Piss” (“Tina” for short); ask him about it and give us all props for not being slaves to an acronym for once.
Three virgins, returning no names, lots of beer, a warm circle, and a pretty good-sized group for a weeknight hash made it a pretty epic hash. You suck if you missed it!
What: Tornado Alley Hash #1165
When:Wednesday, January 9 @ 6:00
Hare: Born on Your Anus
Location: The Monarch (Formerly "The Garage")
Hash Cash: $3
Hounds: NBA, Puff, ASS, PPL, nnSam, Dip, nnRachel, nnShannon, nnDave, nnMatt
Tornado Alley hit the mother lode of virgins this week, and the wanker who made them cum hasn't even hashed with us for almost two years (cum back, Twinkle Toes; all is forgiven). Those are some wicked skills, by the way. NnRachel has actually hashed with us once before, at the 2010 Red Dress event. Can anyone say "backslider"?
Trail started and ended at the Monarch (formerly the Garage) in Delano. This trail was memorable for probably only one thing: the hare conducted no chalk talk, and therefore left no chalk talk marks on the sidewalk, but, poof! there they were when he got back. It was a miracle! Almost as awesome as Jesus on toast!
Trail tamely meandered through Delano, briefly passing through a park playground and down some slides. First beer near was located in the bucket of a backhoe at the Masonic Home. It continued on down toward Friends and then over to Douglas where we found the second beer near next to a dumpster. There's gotta be a metaphor about life in here somewhere.
Circle was conducted with Dip's usual finesse (read, ineptness). The wankers were evidently fairly brain-dead after that mind-numbing trail, and couldn't manage to come up with very many half-assed accusations. Although Dip did manage to conjure up the magic that he does with numbers and he was able to bestow the imaginary anniversaries on just about everyone except himself.
The next set-in-stone hash will be next Wednesday, January 16, with NBA (the queen of hares), as hare. Stay tuned for a possible hash event this Sunday, that being National Pants Off Day. Without even knowing what this entails, you need to plan on joining us on Sunday for this epic event, just because of its great name. On on!