What: Tornado Alley Hash #1149 - Halloween Pub Crawl
Where: Old Chicago - Old Town
When: Wednesday, Oct. 31st, 6:00pm
Hares: Amanta FF, BP, Phi Phi
Hash Cash: N/A
Hash #1149 - Happy Hash-o-ween
Harriettes: Phi Phi Licker, Amanta Feel'n'F*ck, Boathouse Pussy
Hounds: Deb's Dipstick, Tequila Tony, No Blow Angel, Born On Your Anus
If you thought hashers were a scary bunch before, you would have had your suspicions confirmed at this gathering. We had a cowgirl, a dominatrix, a living school girl, a dead zombie school girl, a large walking Pabst can, and a really scary Mexican peasant with a penchant for attacking legs. We gathered at Old Chicago in Old Town, drank several tasty beverages, ate pizza, and then the three harriettes laid trail to the next watering hole. We were met with a whichy-way right off the bat, which really confused the hounds. After much searching, the valiant hounds finally found trail. Trail led us to the Pumphouse across the street. I might add that the shiggy level was off the chart at this point. Beverages were consumed, and the intrepid trio of harriettes then led the pack on a circuitous route to Mort's, for more delectable beverages. BOYAnus finally decided to grace us with his presence, sans costume, by the way. For some reason he thought that his kids needed to go trick-or-treating before he quenched his thirst.
Trail then led us to the Brickyard, which we had to ourselves, thus allowing some of us to make total fools of ourselves with some jerky imitations of "dancing". Our final stop was at the backside portion of Emerson Biggins, (Hash Trash hates to admit that she does not know the name of a bar). Sitting in the patio section, we serenaded our fellow beer worshipers with a heart-rending rendition of the Days of the Week ballad, led by our Pabst beer can. We had folks weeping with the pathos of the lyrics. Either that, or it was because they were doomed to share the patio space with us.
All in all, it was an epic trail, which I'm sure will go down in the annals of Hash history, as an example of "Shitty Trails".
Tornado Alley Hash #1148
When: Sunday, Oct 28, 2:00 PM
Where: Swanson Park, 1011 N Maize Rd, Wichita, KS 67212
Hare: Tequila Tony
Hash Cash: $5 make you holla, Virgins are free - (we are not giving them away - you have to bring your own)
Shiggy Rating: 3.5
On-After: Wichita Brewing Company at Tyler and 13th
Hounds: Born on Your Anus, No Blow Angel, Phi Phi Licker, Boathouse Pussy, Dipstick, nnAmanda, Cuddle Puncher, Post Partum Pitt Pisser, and Ate Something Shocking.
The pack gathered off of Maize Rd, where our hare provided us with a wonderful selection of various ales. We were joined by an optometry resident, nnAmanda from South Carolina, who has hashed a few times but is yet to be named. The Pack took off after the hare, traversing the trails (existent and non-existent) of Swanson Park. In true Tequila Tony fashion, the first water crossing was less than .7 miles into the trail. After a few minutes of pining, whining, and hesitating, most of the hounds ran through the water, which wasn’t even waist deep for the vertically challenged hounds. The only one who really wussed out was our illustrious GM, Born on Your Anus. He went upstream a few meters and found a fallen tree that he was able to traverse safely across the drink. The pack was in awe at his incredible skills, and deduced that he must be half cat, half ninja, and half awesome.
After another water crossing, the pack came up on the much anticipated “BN” symbol, and there was much rejoicing. However, after looking around and around, the beer remained hidden and no one could find it. Finally, someone spotted 12 bottles of beer, individually tied to the branches of a tree that was dangling over a stagnant reservoir of water. Born on Your Anus shimmied up the tree, where there was a pair of scissors waiting. Carefully cutting down the beers one by one and tossing them to BP and Cuddle Puncher, BOYA once again managed to stay dry.
After the BN, the pack managed to pick up trail and followed it through a couple more water crossings (all of which BOY Anus managed to outsmart) and ultimately back to Tequila Tony’s truck, where he had chips, candy, and more beer awaiting.
The circle saw a few deadbugs, as the RA apparently wasn’t very impressed with BOYA’s efforts to stay dry. In an unprecedented move, BOY Anus was assigned a TOWERING DEADBUG without having been in the circle at all! Apparently, five skipped water crossings was equivalent to five consecutive trips to the circle. We swung low by 5:00 and headed to Wichita Brewing Company, where we drank more beer and ate pizza.
What: Tornado Alley Hash #1147
Where: NBA's house, 348 N. Erie
When: Wednesday, Oct. 24, 6:00 pm
Hash Cash: $5
Approximate Distance: 2.62
Shiggy Rating: 1
Hounds: BOY Anus, Dip, TT, BP, Phi Phi, ADHD, nnGunner, Amanta
Our hare, NBA, finally took off around 6:30. Hounds were not too eager to follow, considering our host had left a wonderful assortment of premium beer for us to enjoy. The idea of not leaving and just waiting for the hare to return was tossed around, but ultimately shelved. Trail took the pack slightly west, and then north, crossing Central right next to an Asian Massage Parlor that the hare did not warn us we would need money for. After going a bit further north, the winds of trail blew the pack towards the east, where we passed Wesley Hospital, the site of NBA’s recent treatment for her tenacious bladder infection.
Despite the fact that it was pretty well dark at this point, the pack still managed to find the BN under the Roosevelt bridge in Sleepy Hollow. After enjoying the leftovers from the WPTB hash, trail took the pack to south, through the swankier areas of College Hill, and ultimately back to NBA’s house.
During a relatively uneventful circle, condolences were made to Boathouse Pussy, whose name was rudely left off of the WPTB trash. This ultimately elicited a decree of “group hug” by the GM; which served as a vain attempt to restore what little self-confidence BP may have had in the first place.
After the circle, there was a full-on feast fit for hashers! The hare provided more beer, homemade mac n’ cheese, a vegetable tray, and lil’ smokies. There was more beer than necessary for a work night, but with diligence, the dedicated pack worked through most, if not all of it.
It was a shitty trail to be sure, but the hare’s hospitality and beer selection more than made up for it.
What: Tornado Alley Hash #1146 - World Peace Through Beer
Where: Park Villa in North Riverside Park, off of Bitting St.
When: Saturday, October 20 - 3:00 pm
Hare: BOY Anus
Hash Cash: $7 (Imports at this one!)
Approximate Distance: 3.5
Shiggy Rating: 1.5 - Primarily Paved
This is our annual World Peace Through Beer hash that coincides with UN Day. We'll be celebrating (and cursing) other nations by drinking the beer that their country has deemed worthy of export. If we decide we like it, we rejoice. If it tastes like shit (I'm looking at you Cambodia), we write a strongly worded letter to the Pentagon, urging immediate military intervention in said nation.
This is also the one year analversary of Phi Phi Licker, I.M. Weiner, Big Black Dick, and Slip n' Slide. Two of them will be there for sure, and there is rumor that that all four might actually make it!
We've got drunk and fought cancer, now it's time we get drunk and end war!
Hounds: Dipstick, Dipshit, Tequila Tony, BP loody Dyke Turner, PPL, In My Wiener, SlipN'Slide, Big Black Dick, nnAaron, nnDustin, Stumpy Whisker Biscuit, nnSierra, Just Lays There, NBA
After reading the Wichita Eagle this morning, it appears that our efforts to reduce international strife have worked. In fact, there was was hardly any international news at all. That proves that our modest efforts here in Doodah have had a profound effect on increasing world peace.
Starting from the Park Villa grounds in Riverside, right next to the DARE carnival, the hare took the hounds (including a shoeless Tequila Tony) on a delightful tour of midtown Wichita, leading us to the first beer-near, where we were offered the choice of beer or methadone. How considerate of the hare. However, the clinic was not open, so we had to settle for the beer. Then, he led us back north, past a multitude of USD259 schools, giving us the reminder that yes, he is a tenured 259 employee, and that yes, Monday will eventually be here and half the pack will be back in purgatory.
Trail then took us over the first water crossing where we were given a nostalgic glimpse of TAH3 Island, the site of recent good times. The second beer near was then found at the hare's abode. We were delighted with the wide variety of beers from the countries of Detroit and Pennsylvania. Trail then took us back to the Little Arkansas River in Riverside, where we waded across our second water crossing (well, some did, but most chose the bridge). Trail then led the pack into the woods, past red-clad ninjas (which weren't mentioned in chalk talk), and then on to the on-in.
The circle was where the real peace work began. The hare provided us with a wide variety of scrumptious international beers. We sacrificed a virgin, and named a no-name. No name Aaron, after numerous questionings, was given the earned name of Gooch Poop Support; "Gooch" for short. NnDustin had to postpone his naming for just a bit, because he had to go pick up his new bike (lame excuse). The on-after was at the hare's house, where the pack continued enjoying beer and ate pizza. We moved the party to the backyard and started the long, painful process of naming nnDustin. After much questioning, discussion, and consumption of beer, nnDustin was named, (drumroll), Cuddle Puncher. If anyone needs to know the stories behind the names, ask the newly-named hashers. I'm sure they will be happy to share.
The day also served as a REAL anniversary for four hashers: Phi Phi, Weiner, Big Black Dick, and Slip n Slide, who were all present for the celebration and living proof that BOY Anus has the ability to actually make people continue to cum even after being named.
What: Tornado Alley Hash #1145
Where: Todd Brian's in Old Town - 315 N. Mead in Old Town Square
When: Tuesday, October 16th - 6:00
Hash Cash: $3
Approximate Distance: 2
Shiggy Rating: 1
Hounds: NBA, PPL, nnDustin, BOYAnus, Puff the Magic Ass Grabber
This hash was scheduled to have been hared by the elusive Dipshit, but he supposedly could not do it due to acquiring a bad case of poison ivy in the shiggy of Old Town. (Likely story.) But when one Dip says he will hare, all Dips are responsible for haring. And this hare took the job to heart, in that it felt like we were in a rabbit warren, criss-crossing trails in Old Town for seemingly miles of trail, before he mercifully took us out of Old Town Square proper. He criss-crossed trail so many times and so close to each other that only for the hounds' dislike of the idea of pantsing him (shudder), did he not get snagged. He was considerate, though, in taking us by Dipshit's apartment so that we could convey, by way of chalk-on-the sidewalk, what we really think of him.
Beer near was tucked away in some weeds in the alley behind the Old Town Square parking garage, a mere hop, skip and a jump from the start. Due to lousy markings, only two of the five wankers could locate it. Trail went a little bit west, and then south to Douglas, and ended at Joe's for the on-in.
This hash marked a major milestone in the life of BornOnYourAnus, in that he has so far managed to waste enough time to attend 204 hashes in Tornado Alley. So to commemorate 200, he was ceremoniously presented "The Silver Flask" by Dipstick, which had a dribble of gin martini inside, most of which had been consumed by Dipstick at Mort's before cumming to Joe's. All in all, the trail sucked, but much joy ensued at the on-after.
What: Tornado Alley Hash #1144
Where: American Red Cross Parking Lot on Main St.
When: Sunday, October 14 - 8:00 am
Hash Cash: ?
Shiggy Rating: ?
Prairie Fire Marathon BN and Hash has been changed. Trashy went to scout trail and realized the original area was fenced off. So, the new area will be at the American Red Cross building on Main, just south of Murdock.
If you can't make the 8:00 am hash, cum and join us later in the same location as we support the runners, advertise for the hash, and pass out some much needed beer (if we don't drink it all, that is) to exhausted racists!
Feel free to bring some shitty beer to donate to the cause!
Hounds: Dip, NBA, nnAaron, nnJill
This was a marathon hash in more ways than one. Not only did it start at 8 a.m., but it continued until 12:15 p.m. when we were shut down by the po-po, AND we were doing our civic duty by cheering on the marathon r*cists. So there was marathon drinking, some r*nning by the hashers but marathon r*nning by the r*cists, and marathon clapping (blood was produced by Dip for his excessive clapping) and yelling.
We set up our beer table in front of the nazi Red Cross building (they were rude about our parking in their precious parking lot). Trashy's trail led the wankers over by the hospital, where we found the beer near stashed appropriately behind the bio-hazard waste dumpster behind the hospital. We had had our questions about Milwaukee's Beast, and this pretty much answered them. Trail then led us west through the McDonald's parking lot and then back to the on-in. We never were able to complete our circle because of our late-cummers arrival as well as the inconsiderate half-marathon r*cists r*nning by. The late-cummers were: JLT, Tiny Flasher, nnSusan, nnRod, and Tequila Tony.
A little editorial note by the Hash Trash here: why is our group so introverted, not wanting to call attention to our pack? We only had Thing 1 and Thing 2, a pervert in adult jammies, a giant PBR can, and a wannabe ballerina handing out the golden elixir to the r*cists. You would have thought we could have had 100% participation amongst us.
Now, speaking of r*acists, our very own BOYAnus competed (shudder) in the marathon, making us proud that we actually have a r*nner in our "drinking club with a r*nning problem". He whined that his time was not what it should have been, but, sheesh, we were all impressed nonetheless, especially when he grabbed a full can of PBR at the beer stop to help him with the final three miles. On on!
What? TAH3 #1144
When? Thursday, October 11 at 6:00 pm
Where? Old Chicago - Old Town
Hash Cash? $3
Trail Length: <1 Mile - This one's just a pub crawl.
OK wankers, how has your luck been lately? Cum dressed in your Gambling/Joker/Vegas/Douchebag best and try your luck at the TAH3, sequential digit pub crawl!
At each location, you will have the option of rolling a pair of dice, if you hit a 10, 11, or 12, the hash will buy your beer at that particular stop! If you, however, don't hit one of those three numbers, you're going to have to blow the GM. That's right...Wait? What?
Ok, never mind; I'm told that last part isn't actually true. Apparently there is no penalty for not hitting 10, 11, or 12, other than your cheap ass being responsible for your own drink.
May the odds be ever in your favor!
Hounds: Shit, PPL, NBA, LSD, ADHD, BOYAnus, nnJennifer, nnGunner, Midget Molester, Amanta, nnAntwone (Shit's friend who showed up at the Pumphouse)
The lucky wankers who showed up for the 10-11-12 pub crawl, hared by croupier Dip, were indeed lucky. Not only did they get to drink copious amounts of the golden elixir but they also didn't have to walk too far to find it. Trail started at Old Chicago in Old Town. The only game in town was a version of craps, invented by the Dipster, which required rolling a 10, 11 or 12 using Dip's large, fuzzy dice. No one was able to finance a trip to Vegas with this game, but a scant few rolled their hash cash back into their wallets.
Trail then led to the Pumphouse, where more beer was found. NBA got a little rowdy so PPL had to use her recently acquired CPI training to calm down the hysteric wench. Nn Gunner also gave us a look at the energy level that ADHD must have had at that age.
On on to Joe's Bar and Grill, where the wankers found cheap and plentiful quantities of beer. PPL became sloppy drunk, and committed beer abuse all over the table and NBA's delicate outfit. Unfortunately, TT did not show up for the crawl (in his birthday honor) to lap up the beer on the table.
Final stop on the crawl was Mort's for martinis. By this time, most of the wankers made it a true crawl by crawling back to their vehicles for a safe drive home. On on!
What: Tornado Alley Hash #1143
Where: Back Parking Lot of Indian Hills Ace Hardware at 13th and Meridian
When: Sunday, October 7, 11:30 PM
Hare: BOY Anus
Hash Cash? $5
Approximate Distance: 3.5 Miles
Shiggy Rating: 3 - Two water crossings: first one will get your ankles wet, the second one will get your nuts (or inside girl nuts) wet. Trail will be A-B.
Hounds: PPL, In My Wiener, BP, Just Lays There, NBA, Tequila Tony, PQuad, Amanta, Beeeestiality Before Boys, nnDustin, nnSophie
Taking off from behind Ace Hardware (shit, I forgot to accuse the hare of not calling 911) at 13th and St. Paul, trail led to the Arkansas River where we almost immediately had a turkey/eagle split. The eagle took the wankers about an extra mile, but kept their feet dry, while the turkey tamely took the real hashers across a bitty puddle and then through the fabulous trails of Sim Park where we located the first beer near. After being attacked by carnivorous sticker weeds, the valiant hashers followed trail along Museum Drive, where the r*nners were viciously attacked by random gangs in the Cowtown area. After hearing gunshots, the wankers hit the dirt, but then courageouly kept on trail over to the art museum, where some of the Harriettes took some time out to molest the sculptures in the front. Trail wound along the river, and dodging copious amounts of goose shit, the hashers were almost attacked by a vicious bobcat, and an invisible skunk. The wankers located the second beer near under the Murdock St. bridge, where the hare considerately left us plenty of pigeon shit and changes of clothing. Trail then took us north to who knows where, and when we got to the Little Arkansas, we found the hare (Charon) manning a kayak to take us across the River Styx to the on-in.
Amazingly, 75% (nine) of the hashers were female, which delighted the three males that actually made it. Tequila Tony RA'd the circle in which the hare accused 5 of the delicate harriettes of taking the kayak across the River Styx instead of wading across (duh). He of course gave them the option of showing boobs, but they all opted to have more Milwaukee's Beast poured down their gullet. Guiness Book of World Records has been notified of the remarkable 5 person dead bug that ensued. All in all, the trail sucked, but there was much rejoicing. On on!
What? Tornado Alley Hash #1142
Where? Alibi Room
When? Wednesday, October 3rd @6:00
Hash Cash? $3
Approximate Distance: 3 Miles
Shiggy Rating: 1.0
Hounds: PPL, Weiner, nnGuy, Amanta, NBA, BOYA, TT, BP
Due to the 6:00 start time, the hare left before ½ of the hounds ever showed up. Change is hard for anyone, and for half-minded hashers who’ve becum accustomed to 6:30 weeknight hashes for the last six years, it’s downright evil. But even after missing Hounds away, NBA and Tequila Tony still managed to find the rest of the pack, who were following what amounted to be one long, three mile harrow that never led anyone astray. Those of us with investments in the chalk industry were delighted to see that ADHD went through approximately 17 pounds of it whilst haring one of the most well-marked trails in the history of TAH3. Fresh off his last hare (see #1139), in which he lost ½ the pack due to a horribly marked trail, it seems ADHD did more than enough over-compensating on last night’s “seeing impaired-friendly” route.
Trail took the hounds through the typical, downtown urban areas, to the east and north of the city center. About 88% of the way into the trail, the hare finally decided to mark the first BN, which was at J’s Lounge on Central. Despite the rainbow colored Bud Light tap and the fact that 100% of the clientele were well-groomed men, most hashers seemed surprised that it was a gay bar. But who has time to judge a pub by its sexual orientation when they offer $2 pints?
The last 1/8 of the trail took the pack south on Topeka to Douglas, where we headed east to Emerson Biggins. Despite PPL’ s insistence that everyone sit in a tiny, fenced-in area next to the outside of the building, the rest of the pack opted to utilize the whole patio, where BOYA stepped in as RA in Dip’s absence and limped through a circle in which NBA earned a Dead Bug to be served at a later date. It was also pointed out AFTER the circle that BOY Anus knew a non-hasher in the gay bar, which all but confirmed suspicions that many people have had for a long time.
The trail was fun, we had a nn return along with two backsliders, the beer was cold, all were gambrinous (look it up), and there was much rejoicing!
What: Tornado Alley Hash #1141
Where: Cessna Park
When: Sunday, September 30 - High Noon
Hare: Boathouse Pussy
Hash Cash? $5
Approximate Distance: ?
Shiggy Rating: 2
Hare: Boathouse Pussy (or Boat Party depending on who's asking)
Hounds: BOYAnus, Tequila Tony, ASS, Hammy, PPL, NBA, Trashy Hays Erection, nnDustin (or nnGuy, evidently he answers to just about anything), and Pussy Magnet. Then Mu-Sick and Thar She Blows showed up for the on-after and the circle.
I must be be losing my grip on reality, but today's hash actually did not totally suck. We started from Cessna Park and trail led us west through some woods and then across a dam, forcing us to get our feet wet (and making Tequila Tony very happy). Tequila Tony, by the way, was dressed in a gray bunny suit, which very creepily delighted the neighborhood children who thought it was Easter. Another highlight of the hash was the presence of Hammy from Lawrence who has not hashed with us for over a year. We also had nnDustin with us who we met at Puff's party the night before. Surprisingly, our behavior at the party did not deter him, and he decided to check us out.
Beer near was at BP's parents's house, but the joy of beer drinking was rudely interrupted by the show-off Thunderbirds whose planes made so much noise we could not adequately solve the problems of the world as we usually do at beer nears.
Trail continued on to the on-in, which was at Magoo's, which coincidently is one of BOYAnus and Phi Phi's favorite watering holes. It was a momentous hash, in that it was BOYAnus's 200th hash. The circle was conducted by Tequila Tony, with the assist of stand-in-songmeister Mu-Sick. On on.