Trail #1219 Phi Pee Licker's 30th Barfday Hash
Hares: Gooey Spinjob and Tina Eat the Piss
Hounds: Anything Goes, Cuddle Puncher, Deb's Dipstick, No Blow Angel, Phi Pee Licker, Power Bottom Redding, Puff the Magic Ass Grabber, Turd Bird, nnMylinda, nnMelissa, nnColt, nnMike, nnMatthew, nnSamantha
The unsuspecting pack gathered at Cessna Park, Woodlawn and Mt. Vernon Ave., with not a clue of the horrors that were awaiting us. It was advertised as a shiggy level of 3.5. Nay, say I, nay! It would have been a 5, if not for the lack of alligators (although there was a large and healthy, undoubtedly vicious, snapping turtle) on trail.
The hares set off and laid trail to the east out of the park and along, and then across, Gypsum Creek. Once over the creek, trail led through major wilderness shiggy, but it was only a taste of what was to cum. We were provided with a delightful Play Time experience, which I'm sure all of us took advantage of (insert sarcastic tone). Trail then took us across Harry and over to Cottonwood Park, which could also be named Poison Ivy Park. We followed trail down the muddy paths and found what we thought was the only beer near (since chalk talk did not tell us how many beer nears there would be). There were, of course, not enough beverages for the number of hounds in the pack, but, knowing these hares, we did not expect them to be able to count. True trail then led through a major poison ivy path, to a slimy creek with the only way across being trapeze-walking across some fallen trees. NBA was the only idiot who actually did this; the rest of the pack (as well as the hares) used their half-minds and found a way around this enjoyable part of trail. Once on the other side, we found a turkey/eagle split. This time, there were no idiots who chose to take the eagle, and the pack followed the concrete path to Lincoln St. Here a CF occurred, because Turd Bird, the racist that he is, was way ahead (who said....?) and was waving his arms at the pack, since he inconsiderately neglected to bring a whistle. We half-minds interpreted the spastic arm-waving to mean "go back, bad trail", when in in fact he meant, "trail is this way". We finally found trail, which led us in a typical fashion to the west, and then, what appeared to be a straight line down Woodlawn. Here, again, at Boston Park, another CF occurred. The pack innocently followed trail to Harry, where we found an upside down marking with an arrow pointing in the direction from whence we came, with the words, "BEER NEAR, ASSHOLES", meaning, we later founded out, that we missed a beer near which was evidently not marked, but which we were supposed to mentally divine. We scratched our craniums, wondering what this crazy mark was, knowing it wasn't included in chalk talk. We said, "oh well", and continued catty-corner across Harry, following the scant marks that were provided. The FRBs finally located trail tucked away on the back side of some businesses. Here we found trail leading to the west and across another slimy creek where the hares left us some 'shrooms to enjoy. We found trail heading south, with yet another creek crossing, forcing us to balance on a slippery rocky dam. Once across, we discovered that we were within eyesight of the on-in, and we breathed a collective sigh of relief, knowing that hydration was awaiting us.
Circle commenced, and it was soon apparent that Dip was on a dead bug mission. He zeroed in on PPL, who stupidly turned 30 this day. PP probably thought we'd sing the hashy birthday song, and we'd be done. No. She got to experience the only backward towering deadbug in Tornado Alley's memory, with the added delight of being able to look up Turd Bird's kilt. At least it wasn't a backward towering FLYING deadbug. I hope she appreciates this fact.
Next order of business was the naming of nnMylinda. After she regaled us with many delightful stories, which seemed to center on a certain body part, the pack finally came up with P.U.T.A. or Professor. If you care to know the full name, well, you should have been in attendance. On on!